not appropriate for this entry but it made me laugh. so deal holmes.I'm sitting here. in my room. after the most amazing month of my life. listening to thomas newman. and wondering why i have to come back to such bullshit. august has been bliss and good times for me. i dont know why it has to turn around and shit on me.
I know i've lost a friend. a really really good friend. well. maybe not such a great friend, in the sense that they we're good to me. but we we're close. for 4 years. and it hurts to think that something that meant so much to me could mean so little to someone else. think of your bestfriend, you know they are always going to be there for you.. through thick and thin. i use to have that. i use to know everything about this person. we told eachother everything and held back nothing. but that's long gone. now i barely see this person, let alone talk to them. i have our old letters, our pictures our memorys. i have it all. its so hard trying to get over it when it's always staring you in the face. it's everywhere. she's not dead. but sometimes it feels like she is.
when i think back to when i thought max was dead, this is how i felt. powerless. lost. alone. scared. but then that magical beam of light found me, and restored my missing peice.
it can't happen again. and i know that.
as weird as it is to say, she was a part of me. and i'll miss her even if she doesn't miss me. i'll miss her selfishness, obsessions, awkwardness, her calls. her everything.
and i wish i could just turn around and just laugh it off and know it's all just a game of hide and seek, it just took me a while to find her. i've had moments like that with her before. but i know this time is different. she's not hiding somewhere i can find her. she's gone.
this may sound overly dramatic. and it is.
its this god damn music man. i swear to you.
but i do miss her. and i don't.
people grow apart.
and it sucks. and it hurts. but thats what happens.
and i'd rather have this happen now then in 10 years when it would feel like someone sawing off a leg or an arm, rather than just the tip of my finger. it still hurts. but it could be worse.
i just hope you don't go through this as well.
i can't fix this anymore shawn. it's like the bowl. its shattered into so many peices.. and i cant find them all to glue them back together. she;s hiding them from me.
blah blah blah blah blah.
i just dont care. i do. you know i do. i just wish i didn't care.
honestly ? this month has been amazing. and i'm not going to let this shitty thing bring me down. i knew about it before hand. and i still managed to have a really good time.
it's you and me budd. i woulden't have it any other way.
dont you love it when your tan is your arms,back and face and no where else ? awesome paddlers tan. also : my tan is in the shape of my lifejacket. FAIL.
