Broken.

I want to write on here everything i am feeling. How used and hurt i feel. And how i have no one to talk to about anything. I want to. That's why i signed on here. to do just that. but because i have told people this blog exists, i cannot. because... then the people i am crying about will read this. And then they will know just how much they have hurt me. Just how much they mean to me. And how they are forcing me to make these decisions i don't want to.
This is what happens when you feel like you're cornered. like no one really cares about you. like everything is shitty. Normally i can handle how shitty my life is because i have key people i fall back on for support. but those people aren't there anymore and i feel lost. my mom can tell something is wrong. I sit on my bed and i stare at the wall sometimes. without even knowing i am doing it. sometimes i think about things. like the people i once loved. but as of late.. i just sit. My mind is blank. its like everything i have ever loved is gone and i am just a shell of the person i use to be.
i have nothing.

when i sit in silence and stare at the ground, its my way of screaming. Its my way of showing everyone that i am not okay. that something is wrong. that i need help.. because i don't know what to do. who can i even talk to? who can i even trust? who in my life actually cares about me?

FUCK IT.

yeah. so people have this URL. and yeah, they may read this and be offended. but fuck it. you fucking hurt me. so why the fuck should i care if this 'hurts' you? maybe it'll wake you up from whatever fucking dream state your in and make you realize i am HERE. I EXIST. so. if you don't want to read this, exit now. don't want to be offended? FUCK OFF. this blog is for ME. not for you to read. i have this so i can vent about whatever the fuck i want and if you are going to call me and be upset because ' i knew you'd read it' ? THEN DONT FUCKING READ IT.

Everyday i have felt like a bed warmer. someone who is just there to warm ben's bed before he goes to sleep. he doesn't seem like he cares for me. yeah. sure. he SAYS he does. but actions speak louder than words. all this shit i have been put through the past while has put me in a state of sleep walking. I am finally ready to sit down and write about everything thats happened to me. because, i am fucking tired of this game of sitting up waiting for ben to come home so that he can ignore me. FUCK ALL THIS SHIT. everyone wants to know whats wrong with me. well i'll tell you whats wrong.
for what feels like forever ben goes to work and then comes to my house to pass out.
but atleast we get SOME time to, oh, i don't know.. say hi before bed.
OH JOKES THOSE GOODTIMES ARE OVER.
you know what i deal with now?
Ben goes to work in the morning.. without saying goodbye usually. then comes here around 5 or 6 and hangs out with (usually) my brother. for about 15 minutes and then goes to his other job. he's there until 2 or 3 AM. i stay up waiting for him, thinking ' oh when he gets off we'll do something... like watch supernatural (likes he's promised me the past million years) before bed'. but i wait and wait until sleep is the only option. until my eyes close themselves and tell me they can't wait anymore. and when he gets back he either plays video games with my brother ( that he's just been working with for hours) or crawls into my bed and falls asleep. sometimes i make it and stay up until he is home. But it doesn't change anything. When i suggest going upstairs and being alone.. he says no. so he stays downstairs with whoever and plays video games. once he even went to a bar. so i go upstairs and go to bed. because i waited, i did my part. and he doesn't do fuck all. then, in the morning, without waking me up he leaves and goes back to work.
so. thats my relationship.
thats what i have wanted forever, ben. and this is what i get. i get ben. but not exactly the person i thought i loved.
oh but wait, the plot thickens.
so, to make up for the fact that he hasn't taken me on a date OR HUNG OUT WITH ME ALONE since he's been back. he promises that he'll take me anywhere i want on tuesday ( tuesday, being today). He just has to go to the army in the morning and he'll be back. so i decided we could either go to the science centre like i have wanted to for a while. or maybe if he's too tired from all that working he's been doing, we could make something to eat and watch supernatural alone in my room. oh, look at me. thinking about him. so. i wait and wait. and wait some more. I even went to bed at 8 last night so i could be up and ready for whatever whenever. at 2:00 pm i had a bath thinking maybe he just got tied up somewhere but he'll be here soon.
nope.
he doesn't show up until 6. and when i am upset about him seemingly not caring about anything.. somehow i get turned into the bad guy. "what'd you do this time ben?" " i never know". YEAH. FUCKING SHARE A JOKE AT MY EXPENSE. not like i feel like i am a piece of shit already or anything. So, he doesn't know does he? that he stood me up. that he makes me feel worthless. so i go ahead and tell him " today is tuesday ben."
oh cool, great. y'know. no 'sorry' or anything.
true.
Oh.. look what time it is. time for ben to go off to his other job. great. somehow i thought this was a joke. like he couldnt be THAT cruel. can't he see i am so fucking upset i am almost crying? i guess not.
because he leaves.
without saying goodbye.
without TRYING to give me a hug.
or anything.

as soon as the door closed i burst into tears and just sat there stareing at the ground. i am pretty upset so i call shawn up thinking she can give me some kind of comfort. but when she answers the phone she doesn't seem THAT worried or THAT genuine. at the end of our 4 minute conversation ( well i wouldnt call it a conversation, i'd say i was crying and she was saying " talk to him again" ) and, i wouldnt really call it 'the end'. i'd say we were just getting started. and shawn says " you know what? can i call you later? i am with sean right now..". not like i just told you i thought i have to break up with ben. WITH BEN. honestly. i guess she has no idea how much i meant that, how much i am hurting.. although i was balling my eyes out and hardly able to talk. all i have to say is : SO YOU DON'T PUT YOUR BOYFRIEND BEFORE OF YOUR FRIENDS DO YOU?
liar.

so i am out 2 people i loved, basically.
ben.. being the boyfriend i loved and thought the world of.
and shawn being the friend i thought i would have until death.
i feel like i can't trust either one of them anymore. Like neither one of them cares about me. Not like they use to.

I mean. sure. this story may not seem like such a big deal to the people who haven't been dealing with what i have. But if you knew everything that has gone on between me and shawn, me and ben, me and my fucked up family. maybe you'd understand. But i don't think anyone knows all that. because oh,look, i HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO.
If you put together all the sadness and heartbreak i have been through over the past little while.. perhaps you'd be able to understand exactly what i feel like right now.
Nothing is real. I am sleepwalking in a world that doesn't care about me.
i hope that one day.. i'll be able to find someone who can wake me up.