A fictional story.

$527.97 was all the money she had left, from shopping or drinking or whatever the fuck she spent her money on. She took it all out of the bank feeling like this was what she was meant to do. there was a reason why she needed to take this money out. she didn't know why yet, but she felt like the reason would soon show itself. she went shopping that day with her boyfriend and bought herself a top that was on sale, not wanting to spend too much of her hard earned cash. She went home that night, with her new top, feeling accomplished and happy. Knowing she had shopped without spending all her money like she had once before. This felt different to her. This money had a purpose. arriving home she went straight to cooking her family dinner. She made a recipe for squid that her uncle had shown her. which made the meal rather special, as it was like a family recipe. She felt glad that this was one thing she knew, how to cook squid. That she couldn't mess it up, because she knew it so well. As her mother prepared the salad and her father and brother sat on the couch watching t.v, the squid sizzled and cooked on the frying pan.

She didn't have what you would call a 'good relationship' with her dad. Her dad always found ways to turn every situation into something about himself. He made assumptions and said something hurtful and wrong? we would say something like " thats not true... " and he would say " YOU AND YOUR MOTHER ARE JUST TERRIBLE, AWFUL PEOPLE. YOU GANG UP ON ME. THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE LEARNING FROM YOUR MOTHER, TO BE OVERLY CRITICAL ". Sometimes he said hurtful things without even realizing how hurtful they really were. Her mother on the other hand, was the only real parent she felt like she ever really had. Her mother would be beat down by the things her father would say, and how he treated her. It killed her to see her mother being abused and the fact that she never acted in helping herself rid her life of her abuser. I guess she and her mother were alike in that sense, they both had no problem sticking up for other people and there rights, but when it came down to sticking up for themselves.. they were helpless. Her brother, in her eyes, is a lying , cheating, rude and ungrateful person. Who , she thought, did not deserve to live in the family home anymore, as he was going nowhere in life, didn't have a job, didnt have education, and sat around on the couch all day eating the families food and never contributing. it would be one thing if he was in a rut and needed to get his life in order and his feet back on track, but he just seemingly didn't care for his life and it's potential. he just cared for the now. and school? well thats just too much work for him.. why do that when you can sit on the couch watching free t.v and eating free food?

As she finished the last round of squid, she poured it into a bowl and called everyone to dinner. Perhaps this is where things started to go downhill for that day. Her father, seeing she had left one squid ring in the pan went over and picked it up meaning to put it the bowl with the rest of the squid, but not looking, burnt her on her inner arm. " ouch! dad! what the heck! you just burnt me.. my arm was right there! why didn't you look??" " you left squid in the pan, Mackenzie." " Ian, you burnt her. Honey, go run it under some cold water" " I UNDERSTAND I BURNT HER. IM SORRY. god, you guys are just terrible. this is exactly what you'll learn with your mother, how to overreact to everything". Living with this family is basically impossible, she thought. Her mother, looking like she was about to cry, took her bag and went upstairs to her room. She packed away the leftover squid in the fridge and said as she left the room " Reids on dish duty." to which he ( of course ) wouldn't take responsibility for.

Mackenzie, that was her name, had a dream. To go to a boarding school. Away from her hell home, away from all the mess , stress and heart ache. She thought it was a possible dream. She thought somehow she would make it there, to her dream school up in whitby. beautiful campus, historical castle building. everything she could ever want.she didn't have to live at her home. which, felt like it was tearing her apart to live in.

Its hard to have a bestfriend who is so wealthy. You see her getting whatever she wants. prada bag? no problem. trip to europe? when should i book it ? While Mackenzie's parents battled debt and a family in depression. her friend lived the high life and obtained everything anyone could ever want. She could go to mackenzie's dream school. no problem. But could mackenzie?
no. the answer is no. 40,000$ a year. her father didn't have that kind of money. family in debt and a inevitable divorce soon on the way. there is no way she could live her dream of being sent to her dream school. of being happy while getting her education. happiness is something she had rarely tastes as of late. she felt trapped and realized there is nowhere she can go. no dream school with a dorm room with her name on it. no lottery to be won. no magical turn of events in which she would suddently be happy and her family would love each other. she was stuck in a world she hated and that hated her right back. There was no reason for her money, just as there was no reason for her.
she would sit in her house in a coma of depression, a layer of dust settling over her while her bestfriend went on to her dream school and lived the life she wished she could. Everyone was leaving. Her mother was leaving her father. Her friends were leaving for university. Her best friend to england. and she would remain in the pink room for the rest of her life.

thank god this story is fictional!

Broken.

I want to write on here everything i am feeling. How used and hurt i feel. And how i have no one to talk to about anything. I want to. That's why i signed on here. to do just that. but because i have told people this blog exists, i cannot. because... then the people i am crying about will read this. And then they will know just how much they have hurt me. Just how much they mean to me. And how they are forcing me to make these decisions i don't want to.
This is what happens when you feel like you're cornered. like no one really cares about you. like everything is shitty. Normally i can handle how shitty my life is because i have key people i fall back on for support. but those people aren't there anymore and i feel lost. my mom can tell something is wrong. I sit on my bed and i stare at the wall sometimes. without even knowing i am doing it. sometimes i think about things. like the people i once loved. but as of late.. i just sit. My mind is blank. its like everything i have ever loved is gone and i am just a shell of the person i use to be.
i have nothing.

when i sit in silence and stare at the ground, its my way of screaming. Its my way of showing everyone that i am not okay. that something is wrong. that i need help.. because i don't know what to do. who can i even talk to? who can i even trust? who in my life actually cares about me?

FUCK IT.

yeah. so people have this URL. and yeah, they may read this and be offended. but fuck it. you fucking hurt me. so why the fuck should i care if this 'hurts' you? maybe it'll wake you up from whatever fucking dream state your in and make you realize i am HERE. I EXIST. so. if you don't want to read this, exit now. don't want to be offended? FUCK OFF. this blog is for ME. not for you to read. i have this so i can vent about whatever the fuck i want and if you are going to call me and be upset because ' i knew you'd read it' ? THEN DONT FUCKING READ IT.

Everyday i have felt like a bed warmer. someone who is just there to warm ben's bed before he goes to sleep. he doesn't seem like he cares for me. yeah. sure. he SAYS he does. but actions speak louder than words. all this shit i have been put through the past while has put me in a state of sleep walking. I am finally ready to sit down and write about everything thats happened to me. because, i am fucking tired of this game of sitting up waiting for ben to come home so that he can ignore me. FUCK ALL THIS SHIT. everyone wants to know whats wrong with me. well i'll tell you whats wrong.
for what feels like forever ben goes to work and then comes to my house to pass out.
but atleast we get SOME time to, oh, i don't know.. say hi before bed.
OH JOKES THOSE GOODTIMES ARE OVER.
you know what i deal with now?
Ben goes to work in the morning.. without saying goodbye usually. then comes here around 5 or 6 and hangs out with (usually) my brother. for about 15 minutes and then goes to his other job. he's there until 2 or 3 AM. i stay up waiting for him, thinking ' oh when he gets off we'll do something... like watch supernatural (likes he's promised me the past million years) before bed'. but i wait and wait until sleep is the only option. until my eyes close themselves and tell me they can't wait anymore. and when he gets back he either plays video games with my brother ( that he's just been working with for hours) or crawls into my bed and falls asleep. sometimes i make it and stay up until he is home. But it doesn't change anything. When i suggest going upstairs and being alone.. he says no. so he stays downstairs with whoever and plays video games. once he even went to a bar. so i go upstairs and go to bed. because i waited, i did my part. and he doesn't do fuck all. then, in the morning, without waking me up he leaves and goes back to work.
so. thats my relationship.
thats what i have wanted forever, ben. and this is what i get. i get ben. but not exactly the person i thought i loved.
oh but wait, the plot thickens.
so, to make up for the fact that he hasn't taken me on a date OR HUNG OUT WITH ME ALONE since he's been back. he promises that he'll take me anywhere i want on tuesday ( tuesday, being today). He just has to go to the army in the morning and he'll be back. so i decided we could either go to the science centre like i have wanted to for a while. or maybe if he's too tired from all that working he's been doing, we could make something to eat and watch supernatural alone in my room. oh, look at me. thinking about him. so. i wait and wait. and wait some more. I even went to bed at 8 last night so i could be up and ready for whatever whenever. at 2:00 pm i had a bath thinking maybe he just got tied up somewhere but he'll be here soon.
nope.
he doesn't show up until 6. and when i am upset about him seemingly not caring about anything.. somehow i get turned into the bad guy. "what'd you do this time ben?" " i never know". YEAH. FUCKING SHARE A JOKE AT MY EXPENSE. not like i feel like i am a piece of shit already or anything. So, he doesn't know does he? that he stood me up. that he makes me feel worthless. so i go ahead and tell him " today is tuesday ben."
oh cool, great. y'know. no 'sorry' or anything.
true.
Oh.. look what time it is. time for ben to go off to his other job. great. somehow i thought this was a joke. like he couldnt be THAT cruel. can't he see i am so fucking upset i am almost crying? i guess not.
because he leaves.
without saying goodbye.
without TRYING to give me a hug.
or anything.

as soon as the door closed i burst into tears and just sat there stareing at the ground. i am pretty upset so i call shawn up thinking she can give me some kind of comfort. but when she answers the phone she doesn't seem THAT worried or THAT genuine. at the end of our 4 minute conversation ( well i wouldnt call it a conversation, i'd say i was crying and she was saying " talk to him again" ) and, i wouldnt really call it 'the end'. i'd say we were just getting started. and shawn says " you know what? can i call you later? i am with sean right now..". not like i just told you i thought i have to break up with ben. WITH BEN. honestly. i guess she has no idea how much i meant that, how much i am hurting.. although i was balling my eyes out and hardly able to talk. all i have to say is : SO YOU DON'T PUT YOUR BOYFRIEND BEFORE OF YOUR FRIENDS DO YOU?
liar.

so i am out 2 people i loved, basically.
ben.. being the boyfriend i loved and thought the world of.
and shawn being the friend i thought i would have until death.
i feel like i can't trust either one of them anymore. Like neither one of them cares about me. Not like they use to.

I mean. sure. this story may not seem like such a big deal to the people who haven't been dealing with what i have. But if you knew everything that has gone on between me and shawn, me and ben, me and my fucked up family. maybe you'd understand. But i don't think anyone knows all that. because oh,look, i HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO.
If you put together all the sadness and heartbreak i have been through over the past little while.. perhaps you'd be able to understand exactly what i feel like right now.
Nothing is real. I am sleepwalking in a world that doesn't care about me.
i hope that one day.. i'll be able to find someone who can wake me up.

Ben?

[ Thats me talking to ben at schoooool. i am a huge tool bag, i know ]
SO. i am guessing you are reading this, Ben. So i just thought i should put a warning up here. I AM SORRY I WAS SO CREEPY AND WEIRD AND OBSESSIVE. i promise you i am not like that anymore. But as i sit here boiling water for some tea, I wish you were here to enjoy the tea with me. But i dont think that counts at all as being creepy. especially if you count what is written on this blog-of-embarassment.
Anyways. Enjoy. My thoughts. My embarassment. But i dont really care. because its not like i want to keep anything from you.
Ok. thats enough. I'll let you read on.
I LOVE YOU <3333333333
legit. real talks.

I FEEL LIKE IT'S SO LATE.

My brain hurts.

rethought.

oh... hey there blogerong. YES. i know. i said peace out to you before, said i wasnt going to write on you anymore. that i was frustrated and teenage angsty and well, a teenaged girl, basically. I have given up on not writing on here, as i was looking at it last night and realised how much i missed blabbering on here and it made me think FUCK IT, so here i am. back. smiles all round? It seems there is alot going on in my life at the moment. but at the same time it seems mundane and dead. does that make sense? no. things that are going on : at the moment? sitting in my kitchen with my dog, coby. listening to the menu music for 'skins' play over and over again. what's happening in the world? Northern's registration was today. Or, is today, rather. I have been wanting to go shopping for a really long time. I've already decided the kinds of things i would enjoy buying, such as this certain skirt from american apparel, a new pair of seeing eye glasses ( as i broke mine during rangers ), an old man sweater, a cute party top, etc etc. Then i really thought about it ( well, not quite. i literally JUST thought about it. and here we are.. already talking in the past tense ) i don't really like that i have been buying from these big companys such as american apparel, it seems so.. bleh. overpriced and just.. ergh. I want to go to kensington and walk around with the crack heads, smell the dirty fish air and be all.... well. i don't know./ i actually do that alot. (lolz).
whatever.
onto better things, well, i mean more important things..like: RANGERS. SO. GREAT. this summer i was a ranger and it was acrually such a great time. i mean in the moment it was hard, anoying and sometimes i felt like giving up and going home. but looking back it really taught me a lot. AND NOW I HAVE $$$$$ FOR CLOTHING AND GTZZZ.
okay. but i guess there is a REAL reason why i am writing on here... sort of. let's get to it. shall we?
Ben's leaving for afghanistan. WHAT IS THIS. when he told me i wasn't really suprised at all. I know he's been wanting to do it forever. he's talked about it for as long as i have known him (sorta). and sure, i don't want him to go. and it makes me worry with every inch of my body, but i never want to take something away from him. not that i even could. so i made it seem like i was okay with it. i am. derp. im confusing myself. i am going to end this now because im sick of trying to put words together that make sense... and try to explain how i feel about that, when all i feel is emotion and i don't know what words describe exactly what i am feeling.
well. it was nice typing to you again dear blogerong.
Must go attempt to find cell phone. most likely will be a fail.

editz

i know what i said about last post. but i'm just so hurt/sad that i really needed to get this out. and i dont think i am up to penning this one. this is the last night i'll be seeing him. for 3 months. he's downstairs seriously drunk lying on the couch. pretty sure he may vomit. he knew this was the last time we'd see eachother. why did he get so wasted?
i feel kind of hurt because of this. now tonight is either me looking after him, him sleeping next to me coma toast or him sleeping downstairs by himself.
great.
this is exactly what i want to remember when i miss him. NAAATTT.
i'm kind of pissed too though. if he was this drunk why bother coming here? it makes me feel terrible. i dont like seeing him this way. and i especially dont like it when its our last night together.
i'll tell you how it goes when i know.
im going to curl up by myself in my bed and close my eyes. maybe i'll fall asleep. just maybe. but i dont count on it.

An Idea

so many things have changed. and this is why i'm not quite sure what to do. will i continue to write on here ? will i put this site out of my mind & move on, only to re discover my written teenage angst on the internet, when im , like 30 or something ? or will i delete this entirely and loose everything i have ever written on here. good. bad. funny. sad. i don't know. for now i'll just leave it as it is. and if i have a time to breathe and think about it, i'll get back to you.
but if it helps, i did love to write on here. and i still do. its kind of relaxing. to just let your brain go to mush and your fingers start typing. but hey, this is 2010, i cant dither on here forever. and i certainly dont want to when it seems like i cant talk about everything. like right now. i'd like to go into detail about what it is i mean. but i cant. because i know what the consequences could be. so. in turn, i say, goodbye blogging world ( for now ). i hope that someday i can come back and write on here like a fool, like i have been for a while.
for some reason i feel like i may have some sort of angry situation i have to deal with, and i'll come crawling back. keyboard, glasses and anger in hand. ready to release everything onto this strange blogerong i call.... this.


lets just wait and see. shall we ?