re evaluation.

nothing could get in the way of my happiness ? HA. thats a joke. why did i think that was even legit? ( i'll have to re read that post ) but anyways. onto today.. BASICALLY. i am so upset right now. reid is being so mean to me. and i seriously dont know why. i know i havent done anything wrong. i just feel like maybe he is right. maybe its wrong for me to like his bestfriend.. maybe its weird i hang out with him more than he does. i still feel like he should be happy for us though. but maybe thats just me.
i'm sitting in my room alone, almost in tears. the fan is on full blast behind me, the sun is setting & angus and julia stone fills the silence. you'd think that would be pretty awesome. normally, it would be. BUT THIS IS SUM GAY SHIT RIGHT HURR.
(basically: ) yesterday i cleaned up the house for almost 2 hours.. and reid wouldent help me at all. he wouldnt even answer me when i talked to him. he doesent even say hi to me anymore. COMMON COURTESY. beside the point. but still.
then i had to go to meet my friends and spencer was like " hey, why dont you take over after kenz?" ( all reid was doing was sitting on the couch watching TV) and reid just, like, exploded. being like " i dont make the mess so i wont clean it!" and i'm like" you think i made all this mess? you think i am the only one who drops crumbs on the ground ? NO. its a common space, everyone should fucking help" and he was like. yeah. but no. and i was just so fed up. he was all " i cant help because im leaving" JOKES. he wasnt leaving. he only said that to get out of helping. HOW CHILDISH ARE YOU?! then today he made mac n cheese for everyone ( JOKES. NOT EVERYONE. he was suppose to make it for everyone. and there was nuff. but he decided to give everyone HUGE portions so i got none. thanks reid. then we all were going to clean the kitchen after eating. and he was like " oh. well i made the food (mess) therefore i shouldnt have to help clean it" i understand where he is coming from. but wiping down a table instead of sitting on your ass playing guitar IS NOT such a big sacrifice. it would make me feel bad for ACTUALLY wanting mom and dad to kick you out. but no. you have to be the generic asshole i have you pinned down for in my head. so i'm , like seething at this point. and my dad chimes in with " reid and i put 20 minutes in to cleaning up today" and i'm like I PUT TWO FUCKING HOURS IN YESTERDAY BUT THAT DIDNT EXCUSE ME FROM HELPING. FUCK YOU. then spencer, reid and whitey leave to go get beer and ben and i finnish cleaning the kitchen ( YOUR WELCOME YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES) and i am so angry i am almost to the point of tears. just everything adding up. i really dont feel that i deserve being treated this way. he's been so mean to me all week and this is just me explaining on senario. but allow me to continue.
so they come back. and i go and sit in the living room and reid says " how was the diddle?" FUCK YOU. WE WERE BUSY CLEANING UP YOUR MACARONI MESS. WE WERENT DIDDLING. FUCK YOUUU. and then he's like " wheres mic mac? " and bens like "she ran away" and reids like " good. lets hope she stays gone." and bens like " your a dick" and reids like " I DONT GIVE A SHIT".
and then i went upstairs, pretty much crying to write you this.
TADA.

thingers.

almost victoria day! ( to be honest i dont even know when it is, i'm guessing monday. not quite sure )
I KNOW. I KNOW.
i should be upstairs in the "sauna" ( the third floor , it gets overly hot up there ) printing stuff off for bens thinger and the fashion book. but seeing as i only have one thing to print off for bens thing ( cuz i have yet to get the pictures from shawn) and the fashion thing can really be done at anytime, considering i dont have a due date. and it's really just something i want to do. not something that has to be done.
but here i am, sitting in my backyard in a seriously comphy lounge chair.
listening to angus & julia stone.
wearing a vintage outfit that reminds me a bit of a sailer.
so.great.

it's such nice weather out right now. the sky is a greyish blue and it seems like the perfect temp. maybe because inside it feels like africa. outside. is. perfect.

today i hung out with alyson at the eatons center. we went to the obvious places. H&m,forever21,urbanoutfitters, american eagle, aerie.
just before we left i bought an XL bubble tea from "freshly squeezed". so. not. freshly. squeezed.
if by that they mean "from powder". then yes. they are quite right.
i still have a quarter of it in my fridge.
on my walk home from the subway i tried to get to all the lychee jelly. ( impossible) i kept having to suck up all the juice ( which was making me feel sick) so i just ran over to some bushes outside an apartment and spat all the sickly-green-overly-sweet liquid out and kept all the DEEEE-LICIOUS lychee thingers.
( WHAT IS THIS?? I TOTALLY JUST GOT ATTACKED BY A MOSQUITO. SUMMER IS ON ITS WAY FOLKS! )

I'm really happy with my life right now. everything is just so great. i have everyone in my life that i want. and everyone who wants me in theirs has me ( well. mostly. but still.) i have great parents, and amazing boyfriend, okay brothers ( kidding. i love them. most of the time.) the best friends...
i just kind of feel like nothing can touch me. like.. nothing can stop my happiness. because.. i have everything i have ever wanted. minus the cam corder.... but i don't really mean things like that. i mean things that ACTUALLY matter. like people.
i feel like im closer to finding out who i am. and thats cool, i guess. i think i may just like the fact that i have no idea who i am.. and that i can still experiment with all sorts of different things to figure out what i like.
if i just knew who i was, i wouldent be much fun. atleast, in my opinion. if i was born knowing "hey. your going to be this. thats who you are." theres no struggle, which is really important in making a good person. plus, i've dabbled in so many things. acting,singing,modeling,ballet,designing,sewing,canoeing,cooking,etc. some things like that are good to know. good to have. so that when you meet people who are doing that. or "are" that. you can relate. atleast a little bit. y'know?

right now i'm waiting for ben to come over.. i think we'll make dinner, watch a movie and have a shower <--- last one was his idea. haha. i love waiting for him. its like waiting for something really amazing to happen. waiting for a really great party, that you know is going to be fucking awesome, and your so excited. but your chills. I love it.

ew. ew. ew. ew. i watched an episode of untold storys of the ER today. a woman had a june bug in her ear. WTFFFFF. disgusting.alot.

sometimes i forget what i'm writing about... and then this type of post happens.

anyways i think i'm done. i have ventured back inside & am now going to watch-eh-da-TV and sit in my exciting-happy-awesome-"benscomingover"-state and wait. yupp.

BYE !!!!

Just a boy.

I bit my tongue in the awkward conversation.
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
I met you once and I'd fallen for your notions.
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
Do you believe that there's treasures in the ocean
Did I say I'm just a boy?

One kiss from you and I'm drunk up on your potion.
That big old smile is all you wore.
Girl you make me want to feel,
Things I've never felt before.
Girl you make me want to feel,
Did I say I'm just a boy,
Did I say I'm just a boy,
You can hold me to that.

No lonely hands grab my suitcase full of nothing
I don't know why
I don't know why
You took me in gave me something to believe in
That big old smile is all you wore
Girl you make me want to feel
Things I never felt before
Girl you make me want to feel
Did I say I'm just a boy
Did I say I'm just a boy
You can hold me to that

experience.

None.

how does she do it?

fuck you. fuck all of you who were at the party last night. you guys fucking suck. i'm sorry. it just made me really pissed. everything. that entire situation. FUCKING GAY. thank you all for helping me ( not ). for showing you care (not) and for being real (not). but thats cool. shows what kind of friends you are. fucking dicks.