no big

SO I JUST ATE 12 FUDGSICLES AND PUKED IN A GARBAGE CAN.

its gonna be a good night

BULLSHIT

FLOATING HEAD. i thought this picture was necessary. (morning time ladies)

so this weekend has been CRAZY. i honestly dont even know.

well i do.

I KNOW I'D LIKE TO FORGET FRIDAY AND ALL ITS PISS-PUKE-WATERMELON BULLSHIT.

uuuhmm... pretty much i fell asleep with ben, covered in piss and puke.. i can only imagine how awful i smelt. sorry...

crazy night i wish never happened.

i still feel so bad about that... BUT I WASNT FAKING SO FUCK YOU REID.

but actually : ben said he liked the shirt. i still feel so embarassed though. when he came over my face went bright red and i hid for a good 20 minutes. 

.. he asked me " are you wearing rouge " " what the hell is that ? " " like blush..." " no, actually im not wearing makeup.."

FUUUUUUCK.

he gave me a hug and said thanks for the shirt and that he really likes it.

the hug was so awkward because i was all shy/embarassed and he just like went in for the full thing NAM SAYIN.

ps. FML

pps. " nooooo mom, i just really want ben .. im not drunk i swear.. i just really want him. beeen huuug meeeeee "

FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL...fml

lonesome on my ownsome..

ahaha awful photo. but who really cares ?

so this long weekend was really good. even though i STILL have a headache. dont really know why ( ive had it since sunday morn ) buuuut anyways...

MY GOD I AM SO LONESOME. well. i mean, like, i know what your answer will be to this, but I JUST REALLY THINK I NEED A BOYFRIEND. like sweet god. its about time, am i right ?

your answer :the whole world wants a boyfriend, budd.

( okay i realise thats what i told you when you said you wanted a boydfriend.. but still )

its weird. i still really like him. but its like.. i use to think he was everything. you know ? and now its like the more i fall out of love with him, the more he pulls moves on me ?

IDK. i still really really like him X 100000000. but . do you know what i am saying ?

its like when he ignores me, i just think 'why do i even like this guy ?!' and then he pays attention to me and im all ' this is why, look at his eyes, his hair, his smile.. his personality.. almost like hes perfect' BUT FUCKING HELL. 

i guess its all part of being a girl.

sometimes i wonder if i just get an actual boyfriend if he'll be jelous. or even care.

a part of me is like ... you know he would mackenzie. and another part of me is like 'are you so sure ?' 

godamn teenage angst. NAM SAYIN' !?

i just remember i tried to be what i thought he wanted. and he didnt seem to feel it. ( if you know what i am talking about ) but the more im like FUCK IT. and im just myself. the more he pulls his moves.

BUT WHY THE FUCK DOES HE ONLY DO IT WHEN HE DRINKS.

slash.

he looks at me and im all ' okay you cant look at someone like that without liking them '

but he only ever does anything physical ( and not that much phsicalness at that ) when hes been drinking.

PEWP PEWP PEWP.

ahaha oh man.

im such a looooser.

im pretty sure he's coming over tonight. i hope he stays over.

fml.

FAVE

this is totally my background on my computer.. dont plan on changing it in a whiiille.

i love dean. ( jenson ackles )

shes got an axe.

when she come's you'll hide.

 but there's no where you can go she won't find.

she's big and bad and she's got an axe,

she'll deal you out your 40 whacks.

and she'll hide your parts around the house.

so you can live forever,

in a game of cat and mouse.

and every year in the same state

you'll relive that awful date.

so uuh made a poem thing while i was in the shower ahaha yes, i am that brand of weird.

so a tad... sad

wayne :

all that I can tell you is you need to give up on this, come to terms with how things are and accept that you can't be with him. Reality is a bitch and we can't always have what we truly want, even if it feels like you need it, even if it feels like it's the only way you can truly be happy. You're gonna have to let go. What will become of you if you hold on to this for any longer. You're putting yourself through shit you don't need. If it means you have to tell yourself a million times that it's not gonna happen and crying your eyes out something needs to be done

there's no point in playing for a crowd that won't clap

mack :

but.. this weekend

he was all yyeeah

Waynes

but where's your weekend now, holding on to the little things isn't going to get you over him any faster

I know I'm sounding like an ass but if you really want to get over him you're going to have to stop seeing every little thing as symbolic

mack

your right. you do sound like an ass

NOTE TO SELF : never express you need advice from wayne. it will end in you thinking your a dumbass and that your a sad pathetic excuse for a girl.

now i just feel really bad.

growing apart.

 not  appropriate for this entry but it made me laugh. so deal holmes.
I'm sitting here. in my room. after the  most amazing month of my life. listening to thomas newman. and wondering why i have to come back to such bullshit. august has been bliss and good times for me. i dont know why it has to turn around and shit on me.

I know i've lost a friend. a really really good friend. well. maybe not such a great friend, in the sense that they we're good to me. but we we're close. for 4 years. and it hurts to think that something that meant so much to me could mean so little to someone else. think of your bestfriend, you know they are always going to be there for you.. through thick and thin. i use to have that. i use to know everything about this person. we told eachother everything and held back nothing. but that's long gone. now i barely see this person, let alone talk to them. i have our old letters, our pictures our memorys. i have it all. its so hard trying to get over it when it's always staring you in the face. it's everywhere. she's not dead. but sometimes it feels like she is. 

when i think back to when i thought max was dead, this is how i felt. powerless. lost. alone. scared. but then that magical beam of light found me, and restored my missing peice.

it can't happen again. and i know that. 

as weird as it is to say, she was a part of me. and i'll miss her even if she doesn't miss me. i'll miss her selfishness, obsessions, awkwardness, her calls. her everything. 

and i wish i could just turn around and just laugh it off and know it's all just a game of hide and seek, it just took me a while to find her. i've had  moments like that with her before. but i know this time is different. she's not hiding somewhere i can find her. she's gone. 

this may sound overly dramatic. and it is.

its this god damn music man. i swear to you.

but i do miss her. and i don't.

people grow apart.

and it sucks. and it hurts. but thats what happens.

and i'd rather have this happen now then in 10 years when it would feel like someone sawing off a leg or an arm, rather than just the tip of my finger. it still hurts. but it could be worse.

i just hope you don't go through this as well.

i can't fix this anymore shawn. it's like the bowl. its shattered into so many peices.. and i cant find them all to glue them back together. she;s hiding them from me.

blah blah blah blah blah.

i just dont care. i do. you know i do. i just wish i didn't care.

honestly ? this month has been amazing. and i'm not going to let this shitty thing bring me down. i knew about it before hand. and i still managed to have a really good time.

it's you and me budd. i woulden't have it any other way.