re evaluation.

nothing could get in the way of my happiness ? HA. thats a joke. why did i think that was even legit? ( i'll have to re read that post ) but anyways. onto today.. BASICALLY. i am so upset right now. reid is being so mean to me. and i seriously dont know why. i know i havent done anything wrong. i just feel like maybe he is right. maybe its wrong for me to like his bestfriend.. maybe its weird i hang out with him more than he does. i still feel like he should be happy for us though. but maybe thats just me.
i'm sitting in my room alone, almost in tears. the fan is on full blast behind me, the sun is setting & angus and julia stone fills the silence. you'd think that would be pretty awesome. normally, it would be. BUT THIS IS SUM GAY SHIT RIGHT HURR.
(basically: ) yesterday i cleaned up the house for almost 2 hours.. and reid wouldent help me at all. he wouldnt even answer me when i talked to him. he doesent even say hi to me anymore. COMMON COURTESY. beside the point. but still.
then i had to go to meet my friends and spencer was like " hey, why dont you take over after kenz?" ( all reid was doing was sitting on the couch watching TV) and reid just, like, exploded. being like " i dont make the mess so i wont clean it!" and i'm like" you think i made all this mess? you think i am the only one who drops crumbs on the ground ? NO. its a common space, everyone should fucking help" and he was like. yeah. but no. and i was just so fed up. he was all " i cant help because im leaving" JOKES. he wasnt leaving. he only said that to get out of helping. HOW CHILDISH ARE YOU?! then today he made mac n cheese for everyone ( JOKES. NOT EVERYONE. he was suppose to make it for everyone. and there was nuff. but he decided to give everyone HUGE portions so i got none. thanks reid. then we all were going to clean the kitchen after eating. and he was like " oh. well i made the food (mess) therefore i shouldnt have to help clean it" i understand where he is coming from. but wiping down a table instead of sitting on your ass playing guitar IS NOT such a big sacrifice. it would make me feel bad for ACTUALLY wanting mom and dad to kick you out. but no. you have to be the generic asshole i have you pinned down for in my head. so i'm , like seething at this point. and my dad chimes in with " reid and i put 20 minutes in to cleaning up today" and i'm like I PUT TWO FUCKING HOURS IN YESTERDAY BUT THAT DIDNT EXCUSE ME FROM HELPING. FUCK YOU. then spencer, reid and whitey leave to go get beer and ben and i finnish cleaning the kitchen ( YOUR WELCOME YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES) and i am so angry i am almost to the point of tears. just everything adding up. i really dont feel that i deserve being treated this way. he's been so mean to me all week and this is just me explaining on senario. but allow me to continue.
so they come back. and i go and sit in the living room and reid says " how was the diddle?" FUCK YOU. WE WERE BUSY CLEANING UP YOUR MACARONI MESS. WE WERENT DIDDLING. FUCK YOUUU. and then he's like " wheres mic mac? " and bens like "she ran away" and reids like " good. lets hope she stays gone." and bens like " your a dick" and reids like " I DONT GIVE A SHIT".
and then i went upstairs, pretty much crying to write you this.
TADA.

thingers.

almost victoria day! ( to be honest i dont even know when it is, i'm guessing monday. not quite sure )
I KNOW. I KNOW.
i should be upstairs in the "sauna" ( the third floor , it gets overly hot up there ) printing stuff off for bens thinger and the fashion book. but seeing as i only have one thing to print off for bens thing ( cuz i have yet to get the pictures from shawn) and the fashion thing can really be done at anytime, considering i dont have a due date. and it's really just something i want to do. not something that has to be done.
but here i am, sitting in my backyard in a seriously comphy lounge chair.
listening to angus & julia stone.
wearing a vintage outfit that reminds me a bit of a sailer.
so.great.

it's such nice weather out right now. the sky is a greyish blue and it seems like the perfect temp. maybe because inside it feels like africa. outside. is. perfect.

today i hung out with alyson at the eatons center. we went to the obvious places. H&m,forever21,urbanoutfitters, american eagle, aerie.
just before we left i bought an XL bubble tea from "freshly squeezed". so. not. freshly. squeezed.
if by that they mean "from powder". then yes. they are quite right.
i still have a quarter of it in my fridge.
on my walk home from the subway i tried to get to all the lychee jelly. ( impossible) i kept having to suck up all the juice ( which was making me feel sick) so i just ran over to some bushes outside an apartment and spat all the sickly-green-overly-sweet liquid out and kept all the DEEEE-LICIOUS lychee thingers.
( WHAT IS THIS?? I TOTALLY JUST GOT ATTACKED BY A MOSQUITO. SUMMER IS ON ITS WAY FOLKS! )

I'm really happy with my life right now. everything is just so great. i have everyone in my life that i want. and everyone who wants me in theirs has me ( well. mostly. but still.) i have great parents, and amazing boyfriend, okay brothers ( kidding. i love them. most of the time.) the best friends...
i just kind of feel like nothing can touch me. like.. nothing can stop my happiness. because.. i have everything i have ever wanted. minus the cam corder.... but i don't really mean things like that. i mean things that ACTUALLY matter. like people.
i feel like im closer to finding out who i am. and thats cool, i guess. i think i may just like the fact that i have no idea who i am.. and that i can still experiment with all sorts of different things to figure out what i like.
if i just knew who i was, i wouldent be much fun. atleast, in my opinion. if i was born knowing "hey. your going to be this. thats who you are." theres no struggle, which is really important in making a good person. plus, i've dabbled in so many things. acting,singing,modeling,ballet,designing,sewing,canoeing,cooking,etc. some things like that are good to know. good to have. so that when you meet people who are doing that. or "are" that. you can relate. atleast a little bit. y'know?

right now i'm waiting for ben to come over.. i think we'll make dinner, watch a movie and have a shower <--- last one was his idea. haha. i love waiting for him. its like waiting for something really amazing to happen. waiting for a really great party, that you know is going to be fucking awesome, and your so excited. but your chills. I love it.

ew. ew. ew. ew. i watched an episode of untold storys of the ER today. a woman had a june bug in her ear. WTFFFFF. disgusting.alot.

sometimes i forget what i'm writing about... and then this type of post happens.

anyways i think i'm done. i have ventured back inside & am now going to watch-eh-da-TV and sit in my exciting-happy-awesome-"benscomingover"-state and wait. yupp.

BYE !!!!

Just a boy.

I bit my tongue in the awkward conversation.
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
I met you once and I'd fallen for your notions.
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
Do you believe that there's treasures in the ocean
Did I say I'm just a boy?

One kiss from you and I'm drunk up on your potion.
That big old smile is all you wore.
Girl you make me want to feel,
Things I've never felt before.
Girl you make me want to feel,
Did I say I'm just a boy,
Did I say I'm just a boy,
You can hold me to that.

No lonely hands grab my suitcase full of nothing
I don't know why
I don't know why
You took me in gave me something to believe in
That big old smile is all you wore
Girl you make me want to feel
Things I never felt before
Girl you make me want to feel
Did I say I'm just a boy
Did I say I'm just a boy
You can hold me to that

experience.

None.

how does she do it?

fuck you. fuck all of you who were at the party last night. you guys fucking suck. i'm sorry. it just made me really pissed. everything. that entire situation. FUCKING GAY. thank you all for helping me ( not ). for showing you care (not) and for being real (not). but thats cool. shows what kind of friends you are. fucking dicks.

i know i should be at school. stfu

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY NEW DESKTOP BACKGROUND. REPPIN' DA HARDCORE-NESS. YEAH SHAWN. YEAH.

grade 8 - now.

BONJOUR err' body. ( and by everyone i mean shawn.. and sometimes karina.. what a life i live)
okay so i'm sitting in my room ( REP ) and i sort of have cramps. but not really. but kind of. listening to flight of the conchords. which doesent really inspire me to be all deep or whatever. so i think some thomas newman might help this situation...

You know what's weird? remember way back (shawn) to when you and I would listen to Yiruma - the river flows in you. We would be like " it says so much... without actually saying anything". Thats JUST like this song ( thomas newman- road to perdition). it always makes me think and be all deep and realisation-y.
its really amazing that music like this exists. =)
BUT ANYWAYS. onto other tingz...
i'm just thinking about our entire friendship as a whole.. like, an overview. And Its so crazy how much we've been through. How long we've known eachother ( 4 years ). Does it really seem that long? like really?
( HOLY SHIT. YIRUMA. MIND. IS. BLOWN. )
Lets think back to grade 8... That year was really crazy. like REALLY crazy. i was homeschooled (lame) i had one friend (tonya) and didn't do much but hangout with her. seeing her after school was my everything. and during the day i'd fantasize about horses ( no joke. ) and living in the country on a farm. I'd go out on random adventures to the country with my mom and write tonya package pages. i legit didnt do ANY school work that year. i'm not complaining though.
grade 9....
Grade 9 was CRAZY. and when i look back on it, its my favourite year of highschool by far.nothing is taken too seriously ( the work, i mean) but your friends are like.. steel. and thats the only thing that really matters ( well, in my books). we had some jokes times, like adriana pissing infront of timothys. you know. those "fridays". times at scup (REP). our lame ass "interventions" that never REALLY did any good but made people feel like shit for a day. My comical ideas of what was cool ( AKA : emo bullshit) remember that red book i'd carry with me? that i'd write all that bullshit in? SO JOKES. i look at it now and i just laaaaughhh. i remember i was so into hartley (hahaha remember him? ) i thought he was like the sun and moon. and i remember when he hurt me i wasnt really shocked because i kind of expected it from him. but non the less it still hurt. and i still havent forgotten about it. i'd sit in my basement and listen to citizen cope- sideways. and be all sad. but looking back on that... i know how much i liked him. BUT STILL. i'm happy im over that. alot. all those times at kb's apartment were so fun and convenient, i really wish she didnt move!! lololol : IN THE LOOP CAFE. miss that place!
grade 10...
WELL. this was last year. and boyyyy did it suck. reminded me alot of grade 8 to be honest. except my house was under renovation. i didnt even have one best friend ( WAAIIT. I LIED. I HAD WAYNE... but i didnt NOT see him nuff ) and i was sorta kinda.. digging ben. BUT THATS ANOTHER STORY. i was living in that shitty apartment and my mom and I got in fights REALLY often. actually, i got in fights with both my parents alot. it always ended the same. my computer was taken away and i was PISSED. nearing the end of grade 10 i went to bethany hills. which was so great. and i dont mean great while i was there. i mean so great looking back on it. Mrs. Owl, Mr. wallace. all those jokes people that are just so stupid you have to laugh ( its just not funny then. because they were, like, controling your entire life). over the summer of grade 10 i had the most amazing time with my camp friends going down the bloodvein river and really seeing what was important in life ( uhm. necessities. and friends.) I'm so happy i had the people on my trip that i had. i wouldent change one of them. i love you guys. alot.
grade 11....
i guess this is still grade 10 for me eh? WOOT for re-doing a grade ( i lie, its no fun. dont do it)!! regardless, alot of shit has happened. YO WE MADE IT TO DOUBLE DIGITS 2010 BABY!! 2012 is soon.. dun dun dun. but onto things that are REAL : shawnyyy shawn shawn! i love you!! thank you for being such a great fwend. i know we had a rocky past ( uhhh... grade 10 ) but this has been so amazing and i really would not change it for anything. you are by far the best friend i have ever had and i really hope nothing changes. ever. we've had some good times, eh? like getting stuck in reids hole and falling all over the floor infront of spencer. hahahaha. vanessa's jam? WHAAATT. halloween? ahahahha. basically ALOT of good times that i cant even begin to explain. basically, thats the road that has led us to now. ( ps. now includes a boyfriend... HSDJFGSJFG WEIRD )


anyways i love you dawl....z yoooh

PS: WEIRD QUOTE I LIKED FROM SUPERNATURAL:

"In heaven I have 12 wings and 6 faces. One of which is a Lion."
- season 5