essence.

this is the essence of my awkwardness.

famillyyy

Missing trip!!!!!

these guys are my family! i havent seen them in way too long. planning to see eachother over christmas break. i hooppe it works out!!

gunther!

so i love gunther. please watch all his videos on youtube! esepcially his jokes music videos. hes totally the maaaan ahahahahaha

ps. enjoy some cute pictures of me. i feel like a post isnt a post without a picture. dont ask me why...

makes no sense...

( also : this picture is hilarious. im on my moms new macbookpro and this is a picture that was on it.. so your very welcome for that,friends )

kay so this is going to make ZERO sense.

but.. i miss myself !

ahahahahahahha

i was just looking at old pictures on here/dailybooth and i was like holy shit.. i have changed so much. i miss the old me!!

cheap joke

honestly.  where do i even begin.

i just feel.. really awful right now. like.. it didnt hit me until now how bad i feel. i cant tell how i feel anymore. i remember when i was falling so hard for ben, i'd have literally done anything to have him, be with him, be near him. lately i have been treating him like a good friend. instead of what i use to do. "ben's coming over ?" and then i'd run around doing everything i could possibly do to look better.. to seem 'perfect' so that he'd like me. i'd do anything reid said so that he would let me hangout with them. and now ? i dont do anything. i look like a mess ? well. then i look like a mess. its like i've given up.

or maybe i was just so use to liking ben i couldent tell that.. i dont anymore. and thats just it. i dont want to not like him anymore. i want to. really badly. its like everything i did to seem perfect for him, helped me, made me a better person. and even though.. he doesent like me/never did.. i kind of got something good from it. all i know is.. one of the happiest moments i have experienced ( and i know this sounds lame ) .. is when he snuggles with me. being so close to someone you like. and being warm and happy. its the best. i dont know any other way to put it. last night i fell asleep next to him and when he put his arm around me and pulled me closer i was really happy, relaxed and.. i felt like i must've done something right. but then he stopped. he only did it for less than a minute. and it was over. for the rest of the night he didnt so much as touch me. ( except for when he pushed me off the matress and elbowed me in the face a couple times ) 

honestly. 

i just feel so ... bad. 

i cant tell if i still like him or not. and does it really matter ? nothing will come of it. ben practically said so himself. 

i just feel a little bit like a cheap joke. like he can come to me whenever he wants to snuggle,flirt,fall asleep etc with someone. it means nothing. 

why cant life be like in books when the girl gets the guy. and their perfect for eachother.

why cant ben take care of the things i give him ? why cant he not loose everything. why cant he not keep it in one peice. why does he care so little ?

i feel like such a girl saying this stuff. but its true. and i wish it werent. i wish i could go back to when i'd be all giddy and happy if he said 'hey' to me. 

i just feel like an idiot.

and im pretty much just really frustrated/fed up with everything. 

should i ignore him for the next little bit? should i continue on like nothing is bothering me ? should i just leave everyttime he comes around ? i REALLY dont know. 

it kills me that this may be ending. the thing that never was. 

dkfgsdjkgdfjg i just feel so stupid!!!!

and its confusing. heart breaking and hkgjhdg i dont even know how to sum up what im feeling right now.

i just want to be somewhere else. with a different agenda. 

i cant even write this anymore.

goddamnit.

i want to watch supernatural and obsess over jensen ackles.

i want to eat popcorn and be in my pajama's. i want to fall asleep in a tidy room with a made bed. i want to be a different person.

i want to be proud of myself. and know what i want.

but im stuck with me.. and i guess you are too.

i dont know if i should apologize for that or not. but i am sorry you have to listen to my girlish rants about.. bullshit.

lab

so i'm totally at school right now and this computer is so fucked up i have to write in the smallest font so no one can read what i write.. even though they fully CAN see what i am saying.. because its so fucked up. but no worries i believe there is only 5 more minutes of class.. then its math time! god i hate math. i have the biggest urge to skip. but i know nothing good can come of that. what'll i do ? go home and sit around? why ? pointless.
see, i know that when i suaually skip but sometimes doing nothing is better than school. NAM SAYIN. okay no. but actch.
i just finnished a book. we're suppose to be writing about endangered species but WHATEVER. i'll just hand in the one i did at northern. ahahah.
speaking of northern. my dad wants me to go back next year. i was like NO. even though northern has all the classes i want to take. blah. i'll deal with pats.
i think this needs a picture. but i dont have any.. im not even on my account ( i dont have one). okay i think im going to.. web messenger ? does that even work ? JOKES. this class ends at 1 20. so i have like 7 minutes left. GTS.
i really really really really want to go home. BUT I WONT.
on a happy note : FASHION SHOW. tomorrow i think. whoooraaay. im so excited. 12 $ totes worth it. i just wish i could go to the after party :(
IDK what i'll do on friday. find some random friend to chill with ahahaha.
but have fun!!! ( i feel like i am coming off angry.. i am not mad at all. i am being truth and whatnot.. i srsly hope you have fun.. im not being a bitch. PROMISES)
4 mo minaaats.
AHAHAH I GOOGLE SEARCHED GHETTO IN IMAGES.
I FOUND THAT PICTURE OF THE BLACK CHICKS PROM DRESS. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU CUT A HOLE FOR YOUR STOMACH !? OH JEEZ FAIL. !!!!

ps. umm.. ben told me i said really loudly that taylor asked me out. to everyone. infront of taylor. while i was drunk. but i dont believe this. i havent drank with taylor since we dropped you off at d bag ville. and that was before he asked me out. so da hellll ?
KAY BYE.

SHAWTY.

middle parts? why ahahahahah.

okay so i have no idea how you could type while watching supernatural. when im watching it i cant do anything i am os focused. but thats just me.. ahahah

i am typing with these new gloves my mom made me and its a tad hard.

on the note of what we'll do today : i was thinking we should get dressed up ( cuz its fun and whatnot) and then go out for dinner. and when i say ' go out to dinner ' i mean ' we have no money lets go to BKlounge' yeah yeah yeah ? greaaaat.

i actually have done some PRE dressed up. i'm actually really liking what i am wearing right now. but everytime i get dressed up where i feel all pretty and whatnot my brother makes fun of me. he says i look weird and stuff. so then i actually sort of believe it.. then when hes around im all JGSDF,JHSGFSHDFG. ahahahaha im so stupid.

ohmygod. sorry this may be really mean. but theres this short and fat italian kid in my first period class. hes so awks/gross. yesterday we were in the library and he was like ' I ACTUALLY REALLY LIKE THIS SONG...' and then he played 'party in the usa' really loud. i was like =\

never can i listen to this and think its cool.

ahahah i wish you were there to see him.

OH. may or may not be hooking up  a cell phone today. LEGIT.

floating head.

so i'm sitting in my room right now eating babybel. which is NOT as good as i remember as a kid. kind of tastes like plastic/old milk. bUT ANYWAYS..

im listening to barelypolitical which is AMAZING. i love auto tune the news.

but REAL TALK: I'm sorry i havent written here in a while. i've been busy.. packaging,obsessing over stupid things, trashing my room, going to school, failing civics for the 2nd time, reading, shopping and of course watching movies. but here is the DL on what you've missed :

HALLOWEEN was ridic. 

FRIDAYS: always retarded.

i think my new favourite thing to do is drink with my brother. always ends nicely.

minus when i puked up watermelon and hyperventalated until i fell asleep. BUT THATS A STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME/NEVER.

my great uncle is coming to visit tomorrow ?  i think..

anyways. all i am thinking about now is how i wish my life was auto tuned.

..and i wish i didnt eat 2 babybel's. 

AND I WISH MY ROOM WAS CLEAN. FML.

oh.. i got so distracted there for like 20 minutes.

gosh. i think i am going to go see if i can 'recover' the thing i wrote on the computer in the basement. MY COMPUTER CRASHED. so frustrating!!!

i want to see that movie 'inside hana's suitcase' .

just saying.

WHITE FOLKS.

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee