i just feel.. really awful right now. like.. it didnt hit me until now how bad i feel. i cant tell how i feel anymore. i remember when i was falling so hard for ben, i'd have literally done anything to have him, be with him, be near him. lately i have been treating him like a good friend. instead of what i use to do. "ben's coming over ?" and then i'd run around doing everything i could possibly do to look better.. to seem 'perfect' so that he'd like me. i'd do anything reid said so that he would let me hangout with them. and now ? i dont do anything. i look like a mess ? well. then i look like a mess. its like i've given up.
or maybe i was just so use to liking ben i couldent tell that.. i dont anymore. and thats just it. i dont want to not like him anymore. i want to. really badly. its like everything i did to seem perfect for him, helped me, made me a better person. and even though.. he doesent like me/never did.. i kind of got something good from it. all i know is.. one of the happiest moments i have experienced ( and i know this sounds lame ) .. is when he snuggles with me. being so close to someone you like. and being warm and happy. its the best. i dont know any other way to put it. last night i fell asleep next to him and when he put his arm around me and pulled me closer i was really happy, relaxed and.. i felt like i must've done something right. but then he stopped. he only did it for less than a minute. and it was over. for the rest of the night he didnt so much as touch me. ( except for when he pushed me off the matress and elbowed me in the face a couple times )
honestly.
i just feel so ... bad.
i cant tell if i still like him or not. and does it really matter ? nothing will come of it. ben practically said so himself.
i just feel a little bit like a cheap joke. like he can come to me whenever he wants to snuggle,flirt,fall asleep etc with someone. it means nothing.
why cant life be like in books when the girl gets the guy. and their perfect for eachother.
why cant ben take care of the things i give him ? why cant he not loose everything. why cant he not keep it in one peice. why does he care so little ?
i feel like such a girl saying this stuff. but its true. and i wish it werent. i wish i could go back to when i'd be all giddy and happy if he said 'hey' to me.
i just feel like an idiot.
and im pretty much just really frustrated/fed up with everything.
should i ignore him for the next little bit? should i continue on like nothing is bothering me ? should i just leave everyttime he comes around ? i REALLY dont know.
it kills me that this may be ending. the thing that never was.
dkfgsdjkgdfjg i just feel so stupid!!!!
and its confusing. heart breaking and hkgjhdg i dont even know how to sum up what im feeling right now.
i just want to be somewhere else. with a different agenda.
i cant even write this anymore.
goddamnit.
i want to watch supernatural and obsess over jensen ackles.
i want to eat popcorn and be in my pajama's. i want to fall asleep in a tidy room with a made bed. i want to be a different person.
i want to be proud of myself. and know what i want.
but im stuck with me.. and i guess you are too.
i dont know if i should apologize for that or not. but i am sorry you have to listen to my girlish rants about.. bullshit.
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